Crazy Toothless Bastard

WARNING

 THERE IS A LOT OF SWEARING AND INAPPROPRIATE LANGUAGE. Sorry. Don't let your kids read this. More importantly: IF ANYONE FROM MY FAMILY IS READING, ESPECIALLY MY MOTHER, STOP IT RIGHT NOW. DO NOT READ. 

Our Chemistry teacher droned on and on about atomic hybridization.  Half the class was asleep. I was drifting in and out myself.

“You there! Last bench!” He suddenly screamed but I was vaguely aware of that. Then I felt sharp jabs in my ribs. All of a sudden I was a hundred percent awake, and I realized that the sharp jabs were made by my friend Saniya, sitting next to me. I looked up and saw my teacher staring angrily at me. Shit. He’d caught me sleeping in class again. I thought to myself.  Oh shit.

“What did I just say?” He demanded.

“How the fuck am I supposed to know, you crazy bastard.” I murmured under my breath.  Thankfully Crazy Bastard’s hearing wasn’t too good.

“What did you just say?” He yelled, walking towards me.

Panicking I looked at the black board. It was wiped clean. Clearing my throat, I wondered what I would tell him. And suddenly I saw someone wave at me from behind him. It was Vidhi. Then she held up her notebook which said COVALENT BOND in bold letters.

I coughed. “Covalent bond, sir. You were talking about covalent bonds.”

For some reason this seemed to put MY teacher into a worse mood. “WHICH WORLD DO YOU LIVE IN? WE DID COVALENT BONDS LAST SEMESTER!”

What the fuck?  I looked back at Vidhi who was currently laughing her ass off. Then she held up a fresh page which said “LOL”. Bitch.

“Get out of my class!” He screamed.

Don’t get your panties in a wad, you crazy bastard. I almost walked out of class, relieved to finally escape the tedium of sitting through Chemistry class.

“Wait!” I heard from behind me.  Now what? “I’m giving you a last chance. I catch you so much as blinking for a bit too long in my class; you really are going to be out of class. Take your seat.”

I stomped back reluctantly. Naturally, my friends continued laughing their asses off, while I was being publicly humiliated. Awesome.

I sat back down on my seat, next to Saniya who’d started to tear up now, she’d been laughing so hard. Honestly, I couldn’t find a single thing funny about the situation.

After Crazy Bastard had finally cooled off, he gave us a lecture about how a disciplined will ensure a happy, successful life. And some of us pretended that we gave a shit. The rest just went back to sleep.

During the next ten minutes of the class, I thought about Sherlock Holmes, the movies, the TV shows. Then I thought about Jude Law for another twenty minutes. I was snapped out of my reverie by an urgent whisper.

It was Sonika, sitting two rows ahead of me.

“Keep quiet I’m trying to concentrate.” She frowned at Arvind, who had a huge smirk on his face.

Fifteen seconds later: “Sonika!” Arvind whispered. “Guess what you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?”

“Shut up.” She replied.

“A wooly jumper!” And then he laughed at his own joke.

And a little while later, again. “Guess what happens if you cross a–“

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Sonika yelled. The entire class turned to her. Including Crazy Bastard.

He slowly walked up to her and calmly said, “If you do not wish to attend my class, then please, by all means, walk out.”

“But, sir I was not–“

“No Ms. Singh. Please do us all a favour, and walk out.”

“But sir–“

“OUT!”

And then the bell rang. Crazy Bastard gave Sonika a long, hard, stare, turned around and started to walk out of the class. Then a miracle happened.

He tripped on the doorjamb and fell face-first. When he got up and tried to muster as much dignity as he could, he suddenly put his hand to his mouth. There was blood. He’d lost a front tooth.

Crazy Bastard was now Crazy Toothless Bastard.