A while back, I posted my shitty, Twilighty version of The List, and I thought, let's be a little bit more narcissistic and inflict the opinions of a now 16 year old me. Oh joy.
WHAT MY BOYFRIEND SHOULD BE LIKE
- NOT GAY. I know, it sounds quite, obvious, but if you're one of those dudes who want an arm candy until they come out of the closet and admit to having a long time crush on your best friend, forget it. Man up, and tell your really orthodox parents. Maybe they won't disown you.
- NOT A PURITAN. Whatever you do, please don't say: 'I'm saving myself for marriage.' That's a straight no from me.
- SEXY. Face. Hair. Teeth. Legs. ASS. ABS. Eyes. You can't really blame me... all women are into sexy guys.
- SMART. If you're strictly a short term fling, I couldn't give a single shit about what your IQ. But I have a just about a one month threshold for ignorance, so read up. (Thumbs up to hot nerds!)
- MILEY AND JUSTIN HATER. This isn't asking for much. It's not like a demanding you to listen to the exact same songs that I do, but if catch you humming Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, Rebecca Black or manybe even ONe Direction, I will demand that you kill yourself. Ok too dramatic - I'll just dump you.
- FUNNY. Everybody like funny people, right? So please don't be like my dad and crack only two jokes a year (and they're both differential equation jokes!). Feel free to belt out the really sad jokes, I LOVE those ones.
- HYGIENIC. I know boys, you don't like to shower, shave or change your underwear ever. I symapthize. Being a lazy person I can understand how horrible it is to trudge into the bathroom day in and day out when you could just lie around and watch TV. But I still do it. Besides, I can't stand bad breath. Hell, nobody can.
- SMELLS GOOD. This is an extension of the previous point, but it is SO important, that it deserves a point of it's own. You know how in the Axe ads the women run around the guy who has the deo on? I have a similar but much milder reaction. So if you smell good, I might spontaneously jump you. I know, I'M SO WEIRD.
- NO WEIRD ADDICTIONS. No gambling, smoking, alcoholism, drug addiction or any such shit.
- SELF RESPECT. I have enough insecurities for 20 people. I probably can't deal with any more.
- NOT SAPPY. This should have come in earlier, probably. If you're melodramatic, and sappy about love, pain, or in any remote way emo about it, you honestly don't stand a chance. We have to deal with too much drama already.
- GOOD SWIMMER. Swimming = Sexy. Moreover, I love swimming and splashing around in the water, so what fun is it if your'e sunbathing on the deck?
- GOOD DANCER. Dancing is also = Sexy. If you can dance well, I may marry you. OK, lie. I most definitely won't marry you just because you can dance.
- GOOD COOK. If you can cook well, this time, no joke, I WILL probably marry you. Besides, it's not like you have a choice, I'm not the kind that goes amd makes sandwiches just because her boyfriend is hungry.
- ATTRACTIVE VOICE. A good, manly and deep voice is a BIG turn on for most women, including myself. By the way, Liam Neeson, if you are reading this, I love you.
- TALL. Pretty self explanatory.
- WELL SPOKEN. I'm very pedantic especially when it comes to English grammar, so if you can't pronounce or spell things well, or don't know what pedantic means... Bye bye.
- NOT DOMINATING. I'm a girl who likes my freedom, and the last thing I need or want is more authority in my life... So don't tell me what to do. Really.
- FUN, FLIRTY, CHARMING. I know this goes against my previous statement where I said that I think shy, nervous nerds are cute, but really I also like the bold, flirty people who know just what to say. Yeah, the smart-mouths.
- RICH. I deliberately put this is the end because I couldn't care less, but being rich is an upside. Free shopping!
- GOOD WITH KIDS. When I say good with kids, i mostly mean patient, because dealing with me is most of the time like dealing with a sulky kid. Or so I've been told.
- NO JEWELLERY. I think jewellery on a man looks really gay. Those leather and bead things around the neck, rings on pinkie fingers, earrings, weird piercings, all of it. I hate them. Although what I am fine with dog tags, eyebrow piercings (maybe), because they look really hot on some people. And wedding rings. I think they're really sexy. (Although what are the odds that I'll have you wear one... ever?)
I know. I'm picky. Unfortunate, no? No wonder I'm single and rapidly putting on weight... It's all that ice cream. So tell me what you thought of the list, and hopefully post yours in the comment section. And I promise, no more weird lists. I think.
Also, what do you think of my new layout? Just emphasizing the fact that I'm a bookworm. Again.