The List

In 2009, I decided to make The List, with the help of a close friend of mine. This list contains all the character traits my boyfriend should or should not have. Mind you this was written when I was thirteen, and a complete romantic at heart. I didn’t believe in one night stands, and read Twilight over fifteen times. Enough said. Feel free to laugh your ass off about how naïve I was.

WHAT I WANT IN A BOYFRIEND

1. He should NEVER EVER cheat on me. I’d rather he dump me for another girl than ‘do stuff’ behind my back. So, fidelity is the BIGGEST ELEMENT. No fidelity, no boyfriend. Period.
2. He should care for me a lot
3. I should be able to see through him, and see his soul. He should be good on the inside and the outside.
4. WE MUST have an honest relationship. I believe that trust is the basis of a relationship, whether it’s romantic, familial, or even between friends.
5. WE MUST have an honest relationship. I believe that trust is the basis of a relationship, whether it’s romantic, familial, or even between friends.
6. He should be smart, and funny.
7. He should be nice – as in polite to my friends and family, supportive and encouraging. He must always have love to give me (like an unending supply of love). He should make me happy.
8. He must be strong, mentally and preferably also physically. If he senses that there is something I am, or for that matter anyone else is doing wrong, he must have the courage and strength to come right up, and stop me/ them.
9. He must know his limits. This can be interpreted in several ways, so will not elaborate.
   
   
   Here’s the shallow stuff:
   
   
10. He should be cute.
11. He should have a great body.  He should have one of those complete lifeguard kind of physiques. I could kill for that.
12. He MUST smell good.
13. Preferably not blonde, Because I have a thing against blondes.
14. This could TOTALLY be scratched out, in fact its’ probably not even a valid issue, but having a rich guy as a significant other can’t hurt.
15. Totally scratchable again, but he should  British. That ACCENT!! *Swoon* [A/N: Yes. I wrote swoon. FML]
16. OMG I totally forgot. HE should have an attractive sounding name. And nothing like Ganesh, or Jasvindar or Mohommad or any thing like that. But I guess that Get’s covered because he’s BRITISH.
17. He should be good in (EMBARASSING!!!) bed. Fun and sexy and intense boyfriends don’t kill do they?! 

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YES. THIS IS THE NONSENSICAL SHIT I WROTE WHEN I WAS 13. I WASTED YOUR PRECIOUS TIME, I KNOW. I’M SORRY, I REALLY AM. I PROMISE NOT TO BURDEN YOU WITH SENTIMENTAL BULLSHIT ANY MORE.

Needless to say, my expectations for a boyfriend right now, is almost COMPLETELY different. Hopefully I’ll be able to complete the current version of The List and post it within a few days. I’m going to 12^th grade soon (TOMORROW!!), so I’ll probably be busy with my school, and my SAT classes, and my Maths classes, and my Chemistry classes, and my Physics classes, and my IIT classes. I know… Sucks to be me. Once again, FML.

Sorry about the bitching. (LIE. I’m not sorry at all). I’d like to thank Vini… Congratulations! You’re probably the ONLY person who read my recent updates. Other people, (if any) IF you’ve made it all the way down here, COMMENT. I don’t mind hate mails either. Yes, I’m that desperate. Ok enough ranting, now quickly spread the word of how awesome my blog is.

Crazy Toothless Bastard

WARNING

 THERE IS A LOT OF SWEARING AND INAPPROPRIATE LANGUAGE. Sorry. Don't let your kids read this. More importantly: IF ANYONE FROM MY FAMILY IS READING, ESPECIALLY MY MOTHER, STOP IT RIGHT NOW. DO NOT READ. 

Our Chemistry teacher droned on and on about atomic hybridization.  Half the class was asleep. I was drifting in and out myself.

“You there! Last bench!” He suddenly screamed but I was vaguely aware of that. Then I felt sharp jabs in my ribs. All of a sudden I was a hundred percent awake, and I realized that the sharp jabs were made by my friend Saniya, sitting next to me. I looked up and saw my teacher staring angrily at me. Shit. He’d caught me sleeping in class again. I thought to myself.  Oh shit.

“What did I just say?” He demanded.

“How the fuck am I supposed to know, you crazy bastard.” I murmured under my breath.  Thankfully Crazy Bastard’s hearing wasn’t too good.

“What did you just say?” He yelled, walking towards me.

Panicking I looked at the black board. It was wiped clean. Clearing my throat, I wondered what I would tell him. And suddenly I saw someone wave at me from behind him. It was Vidhi. Then she held up her notebook which said COVALENT BOND in bold letters.

I coughed. “Covalent bond, sir. You were talking about covalent bonds.”

For some reason this seemed to put MY teacher into a worse mood. “WHICH WORLD DO YOU LIVE IN? WE DID COVALENT BONDS LAST SEMESTER!”

What the fuck?  I looked back at Vidhi who was currently laughing her ass off. Then she held up a fresh page which said “LOL”. Bitch.

“Get out of my class!” He screamed.

Don’t get your panties in a wad, you crazy bastard. I almost walked out of class, relieved to finally escape the tedium of sitting through Chemistry class.

“Wait!” I heard from behind me.  Now what? “I’m giving you a last chance. I catch you so much as blinking for a bit too long in my class; you really are going to be out of class. Take your seat.”

I stomped back reluctantly. Naturally, my friends continued laughing their asses off, while I was being publicly humiliated. Awesome.

I sat back down on my seat, next to Saniya who’d started to tear up now, she’d been laughing so hard. Honestly, I couldn’t find a single thing funny about the situation.

After Crazy Bastard had finally cooled off, he gave us a lecture about how a disciplined will ensure a happy, successful life. And some of us pretended that we gave a shit. The rest just went back to sleep.

During the next ten minutes of the class, I thought about Sherlock Holmes, the movies, the TV shows. Then I thought about Jude Law for another twenty minutes. I was snapped out of my reverie by an urgent whisper.

It was Sonika, sitting two rows ahead of me.

“Keep quiet I’m trying to concentrate.” She frowned at Arvind, who had a huge smirk on his face.

Fifteen seconds later: “Sonika!” Arvind whispered. “Guess what you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?”

“Shut up.” She replied.

“A wooly jumper!” And then he laughed at his own joke.

And a little while later, again. “Guess what happens if you cross a–“

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Sonika yelled. The entire class turned to her. Including Crazy Bastard.

He slowly walked up to her and calmly said, “If you do not wish to attend my class, then please, by all means, walk out.”

“But, sir I was not–“

“No Ms. Singh. Please do us all a favour, and walk out.”

“But sir–“

“OUT!”

And then the bell rang. Crazy Bastard gave Sonika a long, hard, stare, turned around and started to walk out of the class. Then a miracle happened.

He tripped on the doorjamb and fell face-first. When he got up and tried to muster as much dignity as he could, he suddenly put his hand to his mouth. There was blood. He’d lost a front tooth.

Crazy Bastard was now Crazy Toothless Bastard.